Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Orvis Summerwear

There’s something gratifying about meandering through the clothing periphery known as catalog-wear. Catalogs aren’t selling clothes designed to fit a theme or a character. They’re selling clothes that they hope will sell. This allows more room for critique as I can sit back and take shots at the brand if their viewpoint of the consumer is different than mine. Designers design for partly art and partly sales. If you take a pot shot at a designer, a fan will always pull out the “for art” card and deflate your ego (just wanna’ feel heard and superior y’know what I mean).

As I did for Orvis’ winter-wear, I hope to do for their summer-wear. There’s less stuff to sort through this time around as it’s not particularly good. Catalog-summer-wear tends to be baggy (they’re selling to 60 year olds beginning their retirement, not 25 year olds) thus making me less likely to pull out the product and produce natter, so this post is noticeably shorter.


Western Barnfly Shirt

Okay, not bad. It’s got sleeve buttons for fly-fishers or other active-wear nonsense, but that’s forgivable; it’s allegedly utilitarian. The buffalo print is pretty cool as cheesy prints are on their way back in (see the film Casino). What? It comes in a skull print? Does it come with a fake biker gang patch? Is it a mid-life crisis shirt that happens to be cheaper than a Harley?


Woven Trimmed Polo Shirt

All right, polos are cool. Park, Bond & Jelly did a feat. on them recently which definitely means they are (because, PB&J is from NY which means anything they do is cool). And then they put a lining on the collar because it subtly shows what a badass you are. And then you pop your collar so you can blatantly show everyone what a jackass you are. On second thought, polos are still kinda’ dumb. I’ll be dumb for polos but not for this one.


Honey-Comb Knit Cardigan

It’s a sweater like those sweaters your favorite dudes wear (see touchy Ping and post-modern Larry [except theirs have more pockets but you already noticed that because you’re a student of the game]). Cool, I guess, if you’re into summer sweaters. Some people just like to sweat in their sweaters when May flowers come out.


Sunset Shirt

Har. Har har.


Western LS Shirt

Western shirts are coming back and so are bolo ties. Y’know what I learned about shirts with buttons on the chest pockets? I learned you can’t wear them under sweaters or you’ll look like your nipples are hard. How is that not the funniest thing ever? This shirt still sucks. Just go to H&M.


Jaquard-Border Shirt

There are some really cool characters that wear Hawaiian shirts. Y’know the badass who never gives a fuck, does drugs, drinks excessively, and shoots people. The lesson is that you have to be a character; not a regular dude with a neckbeard and Sketchers. I mean, you could, but it’ll wear you if you don’t wear it. If I were to wear a shirt like this I think I’d have to wake up with 3 G&Ts every morning.


Mountain Division Sweatshirt

Remember when everyone hated on zip-neck sweaters? They said they were too dad-wear. Well, the hate has died down (remember when everyone hated the communists?). I still think they’re too dad-wear. But, hey, dad-wear can be cool too.


Cotton/Linen Banded Collar Shirt

Mandarin collar in catalog-wear is odd. They seem like a Burberry advertisement sort of deal. It won’t be slim. It probably won’t be considered ‘cool’. But it’s linen and baggy and that will always be ‘cool’ (as in temperature) in the summer. I also heard blood stains come out of linen easily but I don’t know if that’s true or not. Does some one want to test that for me? I’ll feature you on my blog.


Limited Edition Hawaiian Shirt

Y’know what? I changed my mind. I’d wear Hawaiian shirts. I’d just have to drink 2 G&Ts every morning.

Orvis. Their summer-catalog-wear is bad. Like, I’d wear it because I have terrible taste, but if you’ve got an inch of sense you’d recycle the catalog you get in the mail immediately. Actually, stop spending money on clothes and eat expensive fruits and collect hammocks and play RISK until the wee hours and build a boat and have fun with friends this summer and remember to cut your selvedge into jhorts. Until next time, toodles!

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