Monday, July 29, 2013


Some Amsterdam(n) corporate show has made it to the states. You could say that it made it a while back, but NYC is an incubator for corporate retail sales as brands test the fickle (ha, that’s a joke) American preference. 

No, I’m not talking about medical marijuana, although this may encourage many of my readers to stop immediately.

I’m talking about Suit Supply (from here on out, I’ll be calling it SuitSuppy, because I can and I because I think it’s hilarious; and no, you’re not expected to laugh). Originally from Amsterdam, the company has decided that sales in the US are apparently large enough that it will expand even more into middle America. If you want to look like you stepped out of a Sartorialist photo (or whatever knockoff blog kids are following these days) but happen to live in Texarkana, you can drive down the road to Dallas and pick up your gear. 

Already set up in Chicago, Atlanta, Washington, NYC, and Philly, SuitSuppy will sell you that sprezzy look for, like a paycheck or something. Cheap, right? They’re moving into Dallas, Denver, Seattle, and Houston so middle America can get theirs for cheap as well.

I suppose hipper men will dole out the cash for a sport jacket that doesn’t quite fit and is generally kinda’ shitty but will SuitSuppy’s sales translate into middle America? Lets look at what they’re selling to Americans.

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Don’t mind that this suit is slightly tugging at the model, it’s denim. Americans fucking love denim. Americans get their couches upholstered with denim. They get their cars upholstered with denim. They wear denim hats. Whatever green eggs and ham was to Sam (pre-conversion -- like Saul but maybe not as extreme), denim is the antithesis of that to Americans. By posting cruddy denim suits on tumblr, I know that people will reblog the shit out of that (it’s science). I don’t know if this translates to sales but I’ll run with it.

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Americans run a lot so that explains why we are so fat. 

Have you even noticed that you can’t tell if the suit fits well when the model is pseudo running? SuitSuppy has employed some sly dogs.

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This jacket doesn’t fit. At all.

But most Americans don’t know that so they’ll just see a cloudy, but grand and shiny, ideal that they can purchase. Some shit about “‘bout that life” and a T.I. music video. People dreaming of being something else. SuitSuppy is selling something. 

Good product? From what I’ve heard, it’s not the best. Good ideals? Yeah, I guess.

If I’ve learned anything from looking through clothing marketing ads for 20 odd years, I’d say that good ideals are the best way to sell your product; quality product be damned.

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SuitSuppy also puts sunglasses on everything. They like circular frames which is eerily like...

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It’s what I take away from SuitSuppy. This stuff is Willie Wonka. All loony and mod and quirky but still wealthy because being poor is only cool when you’re in really good shape and someone who is 30 years old doesn’t have time for sit-ups and 6am runs. SuitSuppy is for the middle American man who wants to stay ahead of the curve but awkwardly so because wearing a 3-piece suit in Dallas is definitively gross. (I heard bitches love butt-sweat stains?) 

But do Americans want to buy Willie Wonka? That remains yet to be seen. 

Will the Willie Wonka collection go live in the spring?

Will you be able to buy it in Pittsburgh?

Will Cincinnati stop smelling like roast beef?

Will you stop buying Long John Silver’s to fit into those slim wool trousers?

Will you buy Willie Wonka?

Will a SuitSuppy suit last longer than a Gobstobber?

Trick question, it won’t.*

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Frankenstein shoes aren’t for rhetorical questions. They’re for leaving on the shelf.

Will cheapened Neapolitan sell in middle America? Yes, because we love bad things.

*heard from multiple sources on the street. I don't own any SuitSuppy so don't look at me.

Tuesday, July 2, 2013


Do you remember this article?

It’s Stepford Wives for men. 

And the author applauds. Or at least appears to. She might be in on a joke that we can only suspect. 

She applauds an amassment of taste, which tends to value things other than personal choice and “value” and other bullshit that I talk too much about.

Anyway, I would like to pull a quote from the article:

“This compels me to bring up the importance of proper cuffing, which, according to Kirby, is done as a one-inch two-fold. Caillouette’s wife chimes in, concerned about a friend who needs a cuffing intervention. “He thinks he’s cuffing his jeans. But he’s not cuffing them--he’s rolling them up!” she exclaims. “You’ve got to tell him,” she implores her husband. Sure, it may seem like no big deal. But in this perfectly casual fashion movement, what may seem like an insignificant detail to some might just be what separates the boys from the men.”

I think the author is laughing at this moment, but I cannot tell.

Either way, Unionmade is ruggedly precious.

And I warned you, previously, that I may just write about the Unionmade new arrivals.

Well, sorry, but I’m going to show you the new arrivals so you too can be ruggedly precious. 

Just remember to cuff your jeans right or somebody who drinks 3-too-many-iced-coffees everyday may just intervene. 

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That’s $371 for a street urchin’s shirt.

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Somebody call Jack Dawkins, I’ve got a great scam.

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This model of clogs were not this price 12 months ago. This is not a joke. This is a fact. You can wear them with your $70 socks. That’s not a joke either. They’re there.

Laid-back surfer vibes respond to market demands, as it were.

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Unionmade bought these at the Jack Horkheimer estate sale. He had hundreds of them stored away, just waiting for humanity to take them to new frontiers. Like a fucking coffee shop.

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This is a sweatshirt. I always get bacon grease on my sweatshirts. I really put the "work" in workwear.

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We had these stools in middle school science class. Half of the stools were broken.  They weren't made by the same company but, hey, potato, tomato, some other stuff that doesn't really make sense and might be a vegetable. 

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 Ok, rain ponchos are cool. I give up just tearing down everything I see. This is the sort of thing that would seem useless until it’s terrible outside and you don’t care that you look ridiculous. That, in my self-venerated opinion, is cool.

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You’ve got a lot of ideas. I get it, you’re creative. You’ve got a twitter that you’re active on. Every friendship you have is a collaboration. I collaborated with my dog when we killed a raccoon the other day. Nobody bought it.

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Baxter (also happens to be the name of Ron Burgundy's dog)

Unionmade shop is about being rugged. Yeah, yeah I typed that.

Cuff your pants just so or you might freeze to death, or something whatever.

But probably you’ll just be judged by your friends wives. 

Which I suppose is the social equivalent.